How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
