I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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