Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
