i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
