And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
