why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
please come you make the beer taste better
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
