gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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