I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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