Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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