i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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