Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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