U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
