Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
