Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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