420 ftw
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
