dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
