dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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