when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
