Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
