It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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