Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
