we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
