How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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