I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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