I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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