I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
