I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
