im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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