So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
