my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
