1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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