grandma shit on top of the toilet
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
