I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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