Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think im going to throw up on grandma
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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