I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
