nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
