there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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