it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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