i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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