Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
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He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
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If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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