My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
