Kiss
Puke
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
