new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
