Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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