I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
