The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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