11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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