my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
