You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Let's get the cat blown out
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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