My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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