i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
