I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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