I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
