U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
