I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
