Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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