just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
